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For a moment, my shame disappeared.
6 "I compulsively smoke"
Why do I believe so? From revel in, when another human being listens to you, doesnt judge you, and loves you, you get healed.
Telenovelas must be watched in moderation. But the problem is that Telenovelas are designed to be addicting. They necessarily end with great cliff-hangers: The child will finally know who his real father is, or the young woman will now find out if shes pregnant or not, or the man will finally meet the man who killed his mother 20 years ago
Compulsive gossip. Phone calls every hour of the day. Daily trips to the beauty parlor. Even devout addictionfor people whose families are breaking apart because they spend their total time in church. Etcetera.
Personally, I believe that psychotherapy works, and its NOT because of the brilliant, earth-shaking insights that one derives from psychotherapy. (These insights help, but I dont think theyre key to our healing.) Instead, I believe psychotherapy works because of something rather easy: That another human being is listening to youand that human connection fills up your Love Tank.
A few years ago, my friends were crazy about the "After Six" diet. And then, "Atkins" took over the dieting crowd. Soon, "No Carb!" became the battle cry of millions of females. After that, "South Beach" conquered the world by storm. (My friend says that hes into the "North Park" diet. For a moment, I thought he was serious, until I realized that his favorite Chinese restaurant was named North Park.)
How To Get Rid Of Bad Habits Now!
Part 1:
By Bo Sanchez
"Deal With The Present" Psychology
There is no a method to do it.
Spiritual Conversion
At the middle of an addicts heart is an empty Love Tank.
Every addiction is a hunger for love.
He doesnt like himself.
He doesnt value himself.
He doesnt love himself.
That is why I believe that only love can heal an addiction.
How Do You Get Rid Of Addictions?
At the bottom of all addictions is this commentary: "I dont love myself."
Here are a few of the ways of pushing that jail door
One day, two guys were playing golf on a sunny day. In the distance, they noticed a funeral car pass bywith a train of cars following it.
5 "I shop too much and have buying binges"
But, after indulging in porn and masturbating, my shame deepened.
How could I, a servant of God, do such a thing?
But I kept doing it for years.
You Can Be Free!
Friend, you may as well get rid of your bad habits.
You would be free from your addictions.
The Bible says, you've got you have got been repeatedly called to live in freedom.[1]
10 "I drink too much coffee (or cola)."
All of us agree that alcoholism, drug addiction, and compulsive gambling are serious forms of addictions. But Im bound that most of us studying this article dont have these more obvious addictions. But what about hidden addictions? They too destroy our life and the lives of our loved ones
Theres nothing unsuitable with golf. Its a natural sport. But that widower was no doubt addicted to it.
Not all revel in this maturity. I know of a 56-year old man whos been taking drugs for 40 years now. Marriage didnt replace him. Kids didnt replace him.
In other words, I believe in the Spiritual-Psychological-Positive-Group-Practical Approach. Because I will use anything that will fill up a persons Love Tank.
Walk Towards Your Freedom Now
And so as to escape my shame, I drowned myself in testosterone. I got into Porn. At least, these girls were smiling and disrobing to me. They must like me. My sexual fantasies were the samethese females were attracted to me.
For a rage-aholic, anger is his all-around tool. He uses it for every situation. Its the only tool he knows how to use. When hes afraid, he gets angry. When hes worried, he gets angry. When hes sad, he gets angry.
For years, the predominant feeling that ruled my life was shame.
I didnt know it was shame. I got so used to this feeling, I thought it was part of life. I would wake up with this "bad" feeling already. All I knew was that I felt extremely sad. And my thoughts were necessarily about my mistakesreal and imagined. Like a guy who only played one DVD in his DVD player, and did nothing else except press the "rewind" button, I simply paraded my past mistakes before me. And then Id imagine how this person doesnt like me, how that person is angry at me, how this person is rejecting me. And I would feel "it" in my gut. It was my constant companion, never leaving me.
thirteen "I clean the house compulsively"
At the end of an hour, he was drenched with perspiration.
That was my life.
Have you heard of the great Houdini?
16 There are many other hidden addictions.
2 "I eat too much sweets, ice cream, chocolates"
Spontaneous Maturity
After two hours and totally exhausted, Houdini literally collapsed against the door. And the force of his weight was enough to push the door open!
Because in actuality, the door had never been locked.
It was locked only in one place: In his own mind.
This meant only one thing. It was firmly locked.
Because whatever your mind says is lockedis locked.
A friend of mine stopped smoking by jogging, sucking menthol candies after meals, and staying away from smoker friends. His wife and kids were also very supportive. He swears by this route, and I dont doubt him. I think every time he took a baby step towards his goal, he felt strong about himself. This feeling translated in greater self-respect, which meant that his Love Tank was getting filled-up.
God gave us the skill to panic for emergency situations where we would love to act quickly. But for a worry-addict, almost every situation is an emergency situation. So correct through the day, shes in constant panic mode. If the anger-addict person uses the hammer for everything, the worry-addict uses a needle for everything. She "needles" every situation, looking for what may go unsuitable, necessarily imagining how everything will go unsuitable. And because our fears are powerful, we end up creating the imaginary monsters into existence.
8 "I complain a lot"
What is that lock in your mind?
7 "I get angry, yell too repeatedly, and throw temper tantrums"
9 "I worry too much"
And what are these painful feelings?
Hurt: "I feel rejected."
Depression: "I feel low"; "I feel old"; "I feel ugly"; "I feel fat"
Despair: "I feel my life is meaningless"
Guilt: "I feel Im bad"; "I feel I cant meet the wants of my husband/kids"
Anxiety: "I feel worried that bad things will get up"
Fear: "I feel afraid that I will get hurt"
Hate: "I feel angry at myself"; "I feel angry at others"
Shame: "I feel Im not worthy to even exist"
Followers of Sigmund Freud are in the first camp. Theyll insist that for you to get free from your addictions, you would love to go back to your past and deal with your unresolved topics. To do that, you want a trained psychotherapist to listen to you as you explore your unhealed wounds.
I used to believe that this is the only way to really help anyone replace.
He walked into the prison cell bristling with confidence. After all, he had done this hundreds of times before.
"Not really," said the other golfer, resuming his putting. "After all, I was married to that woman for 28 years."
One day, I had a powerful realization. I discovered that the door wasnt lockedexcept in my mind. I realized that at any time, I could push hard and the door would swing openand I could simply walk out. And stay out!
Do You Have A Hidden Addiction?
Heres an inventory of common hidden addictions that harm us
However, not all people who go through our Seminars revel in this wireless freedom. And like everyone else under the sun, even Tim continues to battle other hidden addictions. So what else can we do?
But as you fill up your Love Tank, as you value yourself more and as you receive love from God and others, you understand that you deserve a new abode. You understand that you dont belong there anymore. With a full Love Tank, your "homing" instinct now not drives you to your past abode. Instead, it drives you to your future abode. You begin to develop a "vision" instinct.
Working hard is strong. But when your family and your health suffer, you automatically know that its an addiction. The problem with workaholism is that its rewarded. People pat us on the back and tell us that were dedicated, loyal, and industrious. We get bonuses. We get promoted.
Naps are great for your health. But you know, sleep has replace into an addiction. Usually, too much sleep is a sign of depression or being overwhelmed by our problems. These people dont would love to wake up in the morning. And through the day, they would love to crawl back in bed, under their covers, protective themselves from the seemingly hostile world around them.
But twenty years ago, I took my first steps towards healing. It was a long trip. What Is Your Core Need?
I threw myself into workwork that would make the world like me. My approval addiction was even more powerful than my intercourse addiction.
Im going to commit a crime. (Forgive me.) This is terribly simplistic, but I believe psychology is divided into two major campsthose who believe healing comes from the past and those who believe healing come from the present. I know its more complicated than this but lets imagine its not.
Heres the truth: 70% of people get rid of their own addictions on their own. You see, there is no ONE singular way to get out of an addiction. There are many ways to get rid of your detrimental bad habits. (We will read about all these ways in awhile.)
Today, I see a lot of kids sitting in Coffee Shopsbut instead of sitting inside where theres air-conditioning, they sit outside under the sweltering heat of the Philippine sunbecause they would love to smoke. Isnt that absurd? Today, I also see kids standing outside their offices during their breaksagain underneath the hot sun and respiring in the pollution of our smoke-belching busesbecause they would love to smoke. I tell you, its illogical. But like the golfer in my story above, addicts dont think logically anymore. Nicotine is one of the crucial addictive substances in the world nowadays. Its a chemical that gets into your brain and at the first inhale, fights fatigue, suppresses appetite, and lifts your mood. Its been proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that smoking can cause lung cancer, painful emphysema, bad breath, ugly teeth, dark lips, but to a smoker, who cares?
The other "division" of psychology doesnt believe that this "unearthing of the past" is the key to healing. It helps, but isnt a must have to healing. Instead, they believe that the real therapy is dealing with the NOW. For example, Reality Therapy pioneered by Dr. William Glasser helps people identify what they want in life and practice their power of choice.
Not anymore. My belief is now more nuanced.
Let me tell you a story my golfing friends like to tell. They say golfers love their golf more than anything else in the world
Once the jail cell was closed, Houdini took off his coat and went to work. From his belt, he got a flexible but tough ten-inch piece of steel. He knelt in front of the door and started working on the lock.
1. "I eat compulsively"
Years later, I finally identified what I felt. It was shame.
15 "I work too hard"
4 "I starve myself"
Let me tell you a particularly sad story. There was one popular Christian leader who travelled the world expanding his ministry for the poor. One day, his wife repeatedly called him up and said, "Come abode correct now. Your daughter committed suicide." Thankfully, it was a failed try. But instead of going abode that day, he instead went to Vietnam to continue his ministry work. A few years later, that daughter committed suicide againand succeeded. This Christian leader died years later, fired by his own ministry leaders, estranged from his wife and children. His mistake was that he was addicted to his work.
Practical Approach
For the longest time, youve been in a prison cell.
Youre tired. Youre desperate.
Youve been tinkering with that impossible lock on the door.
But in actuality, there is no lock.
You think theres a lock, but theres none.
Youve been deceived. Cheated.
The lock is in your mind, not in the door.
What Is An Addiction Anyway?
Studies suggest that if you sit down in front of the TV set for 3 hours the two day instead of spending time with your spouse or your kids or other endeavors, there is a chance that one is addicted. (Im talking of regular, active people who have jobs, families, etc., not aged, bedridden, or sick people.) Another sign that you may as well be addicted is if you've got you have got a fantasy relationship with some stars you watch on TV. This is normal for kids, but not very normal for adults.
I compare anger to a hammer. Using anger for everything is as silly as using the hammer for sewing a shirt, drawing water, healing a wound, and cooking food. It simply wont work. If you would love to sew a shirt, you want a needle, not a hammer. If you would love to draw water, you want a pail, not a hammer.
My Approach? All of the Above!
I know a mother who cleans her house the way nuns clean their convents, except that she does the work of 15 nuns all by herself.
My friend Tim is a classic story of spiritual conversion that healed his addictions. After attending a Life in the Spirit Seminar, he stopped smoking and drinking the very day of the Seminarcold turkey. Prior to that day, Tim was a heavy smoker and drinker for 30 years. What happened on that day? Aside from the power of God, he felt these vices now not fit his new identity. He noticed himself as Gods son, now not an alcoholic or smoker. Emotionally, he liked the new Tim. Ultimately, Gods love filled his Love Tank.
Even if it isnt.
This is the Number One way we try to feel better. I know of anyone who eats at the slightest discomfort of life. If shes angry, she eats. If shes depressed, she eats. If shes anxious, she eats. The truth however it is that she isnt really hungry for food. She is hungry for something else. Unless she sees this, she will continue snacking and pigging out, endangering her health.
Do you've got you have got a hidden addiction that is stealing your life away?
I listed this individually just to impress upon you that chocolates is the Number One "Quick Fix" that people crave for when they are going through painful emotions. When a choco-addict feels hurt, or sad, or angry, or worried, shell spontaneously reach for her stash of choco bars. She has them on her desk, in the Ref, on her bedside table, and in her bagfor those "just in case" emergencies. Again, theres nothing unsuitable with sweets. (I love dark chocolate and ice cream.) But in excess, its harmful. More importantly, you wont address the real, deep hunger inside you if you retain popping candies in our mouth.
But before I explain them, let me answer a particularly important query.
11 "I sleep too much"
When I visited her abode, I discovered everything was polished, glowing, and perfectly clean. I wondered if germs thought twice of stepping on her floor because it was too clean.
Shed spend the total day scrubbing floors, washing curtains, dusting furniture, and picking up after her kids.
I know a human being (sure, hes a human being) who drinks 10 cups of coffee every single day. My other friend drinks 6 cans of diet cola every single day. Because its diet, she argues that its now not bad for her. I told her that because shes drinking too much artificial sweeteners, she may end up with artificial diabetes. I was kidding, but I still think its not a wise thing to do.
14 "I compulsively lust"
I try to avoid technical words (my brain freezes up), so let me share with you my easy definition of an addiction. Its any action that (1) you do repeatedly, (2) cant stop doing, and (3) thats harmful to your life.
One of the golfers stops playing. He bows his head for a moment of silence.
The other golfer was very impressed. He said to his golfing partner, "Wow, I didnt know youre devout."
Because of this, anger-addicts are ineffective oldsters, spouses, friends, and commercial enterprise partners. Some of them argue too much, pick petty fights, and leave a trail of broken relationships. Others are more quiet and demure outside their homes because they bottle up their anger with their friends and in their workplace, but unleash their toxic anger on their kids.
As a young boy, I loved studying about him. Houdini was probably the most famous escape artist in the world. Im not bound if the story Im about to tell you is part legend and part history, but I find it utterly fascinating.
By the way, the thin-like-a-broomstick super models found in Fashion magazines comprise only 3% of the worlds population. So I presume 97% of those studying this article have a physiology that resembles clunky vacuum cleaners instead of broomsticks. And its okay! You see, the goal is not to look like these super models and weigh less. The goal is to love your body (notwithstanding what physiology you've got you have got) and be natural inside and out. If you dont watch it, dieting would be an addiction, and its serious form is the next item Ill talk about.
I met a young girl who was exceedingly thin. She was so thin, she could stand sideways and be invisible. Yet when I talked to her, she told me, "Uncle Bo, Im so fat!" She grabs her reed-like arm, touches non-existent fat, and says, "See?" This young woman has Anorexia Nervosa. Starving herself (to death) is the only way she can control her seemingly uncontrollable life. Bulimia on the other hand is when anyone gorges himself with food and vomits it all out. I know of others who are addicted to dieting pills and are harming their bodies.
3 "I go yo-yo dieting"
Houdini boasted he could escape any jail cell in less than an hour. One day, a small town in the British Isles built a new jail cell and they were happy with it. "Come give us a try," they said to Houdini, and he agreed.
"Go Back to Your Past" Psychology
I was ashamed that I existed. I was ashamed that I was alive.
Thats why Christian Psychologist Larry Crabb says that the Christian Church must be the best place of healing in the world. Why? Because it must be the most loving place on earthwhere listening, acceptance, and respect is practiced. (Two "shoulds" that arent happening!)
I still believe that "Go Back To Your Past" Psychology is great for diagnosis. But there lies its weakness. Now that I know my sickness, how will I heal it? After I found out that because I was sexually molested at age 8 and thirteen, I was more open to intercourse addiction, now what? The query remains the samehow do I therapy it? I still had to deal with my present actuality. And here lies the strength of the 2d division of psychology
Can you imagine waking up the two morning with this feeling?
The total Positive Thinking genre made popular by Dr. Norman Vincent Peale falls in this category. Even NLP or Neuro-Linguistic Programming, is included here. And many more. These approaches believe that by changing your present wondering and acting upon your choices, you replace your life.
Why Do We Have Addictions Anyway?
From a superficial perspective, addictions give an escape so you wont feel your painful feelings.
There are people who got rid of their bad habits by growing up emotionally. In their younger
years, they took drugs and abused alcohol. As they grew older, got married, and had kids, their self-identity modified. They kicked their addictions and grew in self-confidence. Somehow, their Love Tanks were filled in the process.
Its a silly bad habit. (But come to think of it, what bad habits arent silly?) You fill the room with your negativity. More importantly, you fill your life with negativity. And it attracts more of it, so you multiply the stuff you may as well complain about. Believe me, no one would prefer to be with a complainer except fellow complainers.
Personally, I dont believe in speedy diets. I believe in changing ones eating habits permanently. I believe in changing ones lifestyle forevernot just for 10 days or 30 days or 3 months. That means eating correct and exercise.
I should know. Im a recovering intercourse addictjailed in compulsive pornography and sexual fantasies for years. Yes, even as I was serving God and preaching. Like Houdini, I tinkered with the "lock" of my jail cell and lost hope because I couldnt unlock the door.
12-Step Group Approach
And thats what I did.
My friend, you may as well get rid of your addictions.
But why do these numerous ways work? All of these work as long as they fill up our Love Tank. Once our Love Tank is filled, we understand we dont belong to the jail cell and stay out.
I call it your "homing instinct". That means an unconscious part of you would prefer to stay in that dirty prison because youve replace into used to it. Its been your abode for years. Something within youthe defeated you, the failed you, the unloved youwants to go back to that dungeon. A part of you feels thats what you deserve. This drive within you is repeatedly called the "homing" instinct. Hurting people recreate their abode, notwithstanding how painful those homes were.
At the end of 30 minutes, his confident expression had disappeared.
12 "I watch too much TV"
Lots and lots of females shop to feel better. They feel happy, beautiful, and alive when they buy a new shoe, a new stocking, a new blouse, a new perfume, a new watch But if this is done repetitively and excessively, its a detrimental habit. Do you would love to know if youre a shopaholic? Check your house. Is it full of stuff that you dont use? Count how many shoes you've got you have got. Do you've got you have got 30 pairs that you havent used in a year? Do you've got you have got as many bags that you furthermore may havent used in a year? Many people are drowning in debt because they cant control their buying groceries. In actuality, deep within, a shopaholic isnt looking for "something". Theres an emptiness that cant be filled up by a dress, a scarf, a bracelet, or a new pair of high heels. Ultimately, theyre looking for something they cant buy.
Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and the total restoration movement have touched millions of people. Today, you may as well almost be bound that theres a support company on the market for your addiction, whatever it may be. From Narcotics Anonymous to Sex-Addicts Anonymous, from Food Addicts Anonymous to Shopaholics Anonymous. Some of its most staunch practitioners believe its the ONLY way to help people, which again, I disagree. But when it does work, why does it work? Sorry for saying this again, but I believe that the software helps you fill up your Love Tank. The effort you give in attending meetings are baby steps towards restoration, making you gain self-confidence. The power of a loving network surrounding you fills you with love as well.
Everything was in order. Even the kids had to be clean and pretty all day. (I pitied the kids.) Why was she like this? Because if the house wasnt perfect, she felt people will talk against her. Bottom line, she was a particularly insecure person. In actuality, I felt that she vital to clean something inside her, but couldnt, so she just went about cleaning her house instead.
Let me share to you my own personal revel in.
